50 Shades of Mommy

So I joined the craze and read 50 Shades of Gray.  After weeks of daytime TV claiming it was every mom's dream read (I believe the term was "mommy porn"), I had to find out for myself.  So, I packed up the girls and we took a little field trip to Barnes & Noble.  (Yes, I know...I took the girls to buy this book.  I'm a terrible mother...wah, wah, wah.)  After acting like I was on a casual search for 15 minutes and still not finding the book, I had to throw the towel in and ask an employee where I could find it.  I did a quick scan of all possible options.  It was pretty slim.  Middle-aged single lady who looked like she lived in a house full of cats won. 

Me (choking out words in something slightly above a whisper, and in an accent I was unfamiliar with):  "Excuse me?  Um..can you tell me where I can find (whisper goes down an entire register) Fiftyshadesofgray? 

Cat Lady (loud enough for everyone in the store, parking lot and nearby bank to hear, and with a southern drawl that would have made Dolly Parton cry):  "Did you say FIFTYYY  SHADEZZZ OF GRAYYY?"

Me (eyeballs as big as softballs, temperature rising to about 101 degrees, and dozens of choice words ping-ponging in my head):  "Uh, yes." 

Cat Lady:  " Well, you can find FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY and the entire trilogy, for that matter, in our EROTIC FICTION section."

At this moment, I'm pretty sure everyone from here to Statesboro is now staring at me, waiting to see what my next move will be.  And with that, I tandem-strolled right into the Erotic Fiction (who knew?) and scooped up my copy in about 1.5 seconds.  On the way out of the EF section, I passed a young college girl whose eyes cut me with what I'm sure said, "It looks like you've already had enough erotica at your house, lady."  

I finally reach the B&N cash wrap, and of course, there's a ginormous table with what must have been 20 million copies of 50 Shades.  At that point, all I could do was laugh (and continue to sweat) and throw my copy up on the counter.  The only person working the register was a thirtysomething guy who looks like he might have a calendar countdown to the Avengers theatre release.  He rang it up without making small talk (thank gah) but didn't let me get too far away before he winked at me and said, "Enjoy!" It gives me the heeby jeebies just to type that. 

So...was 50 Shades of Gray worth it?  Sort of. 

Was it beyond entertaining?  Yes.  Was it mommy porn?  Not really.  I was more scared (and scarred) than anything.  I was a college girl once, too...and I did lots of ridiculous stuff to get the attention of cute guys.  I even wore a garter to homecoming and prom in high school...scandy, I know!  (That story used to always bring my co-workers to tears.  Apparently, only hookers wear garters to high school dances.)  But either way, I'm here to tell you that the "red room of pain" would have been a dealbreaker for this gal.

Maybe I'm old and jaded, but I think my 50 Shades of Gray have been replaced by the 50 Shades of Mommy.  I cheer when my kids play together without punching each other in the face.  Eddie & I high-five when we take the girls in public and they act like decent human beings.  We dance in the kitchen when L or M pees in the potty or goes all day without an accident in their Dora drawers. 

Maybe we're just too simple for anything more. :)