And not on purpose...although some days that feels like a completely viable alternative. Yesterday, I committed the ultimate parenting folly and locked my keys AND my kids (the power of "and" is also applicable in my personal life, apparently) in the car in a grocery store parking lot...in the middle of a rain band from Tropical Storm Debby.
This whole comedy of errors began because I needed a gallon of milk. Not just a regular gallon of milk that I could swing in and get at a gas station, but a gallon of organic milk. If I hadn't gone all crunchy granola mom lately, I could have pulled into the gas station at the corner, locked my kids in the car PURPOSEFULLY (I know, I know...another award-winning move) and ran in to get a gallon of milk. We would have drove home, most likely unharmed and rather dry (barring there wasn't anyone waiting to steal a car in the pouring rain at Enmark) and sweet L&Ms thirst would have been quenched without wreaking havoc in our (my) life.
But when I weighed the risks of giving L&M regular milk versus making the trek for organic milk, it just sounded too tragic (please read my sarcasm here...these children were consuming regular milk from Hogly Wogly's and Piggly Wiggly's all over the state of Georgia from months 12-24.)
So, I decided to huff it to the closest grocery store and put myself through the hell of taking two toddlers out in the rain, in order to get my beloved organic milk. Like Tom Brady on a Sunday morning, I ran the play in my head over and over again. Once I pulled into the parking lot and was mentally prepared (I know this is a dramatic term for "ready," but if you've ever carried two 28 pound children in the pouring rain, while sprinting, you'd feel me here.) I hustled out of the driver's side, scooped up Maisen and the umbrella, and then dodged over to the other side of the car to pick up Laiten and haul rear to the front of the store. I'm no Lolo Jones, but we made it unscathed and somewhat dry.
The journey to the milk cooler went unbelievably smooth; the girls held hands and we marched through the store like we were the most well-behaved family in the neighborhood. On the way out, I noticed that the rain was really coming down, like those ridiculous sidewinding sheets of rain. So, I put the girls and the milk in a cart and wheeled everyone out to the car under the umbrella. The thought even crossed my mind as I ran in the rain, that I was really proud of myself for pulling this off. (Insert: devil laugh.) I quickly opened the back hatch of our SUV, throwing L&M in the back, along with the milk...and my keys. By the time I shut the hatch and made it to the driver's side, my stomach sunk to my kneecaps. I did a loop of the car just to confirm my fear - all. doors. locked.
As the rain pelted me in the face (I had abandoned the umbrella in a panic), I calmly yelled to the girls to get mommy's keys and press the buttons. It actually sounded more like, "Yey - press the buttons! Let Mommy in the car! Whoa boy...it sure is raining hard out here and Mommy wants to be inside with you!!" Laiten grabbed the keys and pressed the lock button at least 250 times. Each time the horn blasted as her sweet little fingers smashed the button, I could feel my famous nervous laughter creeping up through my chest. Most passersby were giving me the "Lord-Knows-We've-All-Been-There" sympathy glance...with the exception of one woman who felt compelled to give me the look of death. Old hag.
Trying to shut out the other shoppers in the parking lot, I continued begging the girls to unlock the car, to no avail. By this time, they had moved to the driver and passenger seats, figured out how to put their seat belts on (riddle me that...figured out seat belts, but not the door locks?) and were putting a hurtin' on two packs of chewing gum and a tube of Chapstick they uncovered in my console. I had to turn my back after Maisen popped the fifth piece of gum into her mouth so that I could laugh until I cried. It was time to throw in the towel and call Eddie.
I said a prayer while I darted into the store to call Eddie (yes, my cell phone - also in said locked car) and tell him what I had gotten myself into. He did his best to not laugh me off the phone and said he'd be right there. By the time I got back out to the car, the girls had the hazard lights on (how appropriate) and I decided I would just grin and bear it until Eddie arrived with my spare keys.
Five minutes later, we were unlocked...I was soaked to the bone, the girls were covered in gum and Chapstick, and Eddie was laughing at me like he'd waited his whole life to witness such debauchery on my part. And while I've taken a rather humorous approach to looking at this entire incident, I realize it could have been tragic. Had it been a normal June afternoon in Savannah, the temperatures would have been sweltering and I would have been in straight meltdown panic mode (and yes, mom...I would have called the Fire Department.) Thankfully, the Lord must have felt like teaching me a lesson without making me suffer too badly.
So, all of that to say, when you see me strutting around Savannah in my new phone/key-holding fanny pack - don't hate.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Will Poo For M&Ms
Potty training (or at least a very noble attempt) is in full swing at our house and I'm quite certain that if having twin newborns didn't kill me, getting them to go on the potty will. When we started, I kept comparing it to being at the bottom of Stone Mountain and knowing it was going to take me 104,583 steps to get to the top in the hot Georgia sun. But, after some initial potty shenanigans a few weeks ago, I'm pretty sure it's more akin to being at the bottom of Mount Kilimanjaro in the freezing cold and climbing it naked only using your hands.
Here's a little snippet of my first whack at L&Ms "potty boot camp" from a few weeks ago:
- Woke up and put on big girl panties. Total score. L&M love Dora and Minnie, and wearing them on their bootie is apparently, totally boss. Throw in a teaser of the Dora stickers that can be earned for one's and two's in the potty, and we're full speed ahead. They're excited, I'm excited...you get it.
- Set my iPhone timer to go off every 15 minutes. This is when I planned to lead everyone to the potty like a drum major in the marching band. You laugh, but it's not easy to corral two kids into the bathroom when they'd rather [insert random activity here, i.e. ride the dog, color on the walls, eat popcorn from in between the couch cushions.] And plus, they love playing Marching Chiefs, so what the heck.
- Reminded myself of the only rule I'm following, which is to never take my eyeballs off of two said potty trainers. This is what the proclaimed "Potty Training Queen" says in her book 3 Day Potty Training. I'm not following the book exactly (at least, not yet) but I did take away some tips that sounded useful...and this seemed like a solid Golden Rule.
- Spent the next 15 minutes exhausting myself by asking potty trainers on repeat, "Are your panties dry? Do you need to potty?" And by the grace of God, L&M stayed dry for the first 15 minutes. I literally broke into a victory dance in the living room, getting the girls on the bandwagon of celebrating being dry. In fact, we may have even burst into a round of the Hallelujah Chorus. (In hindsight, this is probably where Satin himself heard my boisterous exclamations and decided to cancel the rest of his appointments for the day to intervene.)
- iPhone alarm rings for our first true test - the 15 minute potty break. L&M sat on the potty and I crouched on their potty stool, and we all stared at each other, waiting for the first tinkle. Then, in a random occurrence from hell, our dog scuttles in, gives us all a glance, and pees all over the bathroom floor. Apparently, he was feeling left out of the potty pomp and circumstance, and wanted to remind me that he's a big man on campus, too. @#$%&*!
- This is where I basically lose all known control of the situation. The girls panic and run out of the bathroom, and I make a dive for the kitchen to swipe some paper towels. At this moment (and it literally happened in a split second), everything has officially gone southbound. I had broken the Bishop of Potty's cardinal rule (thou shalt never taketh eyeballs of potty trainers), and I may as well stepped on a live grenade.
- In the time I was gone to the kitchen, both potty trainers evacuated the bathroom to the bedroom where they both peed on the carpet, and of course, all over their shorts, which they didn't have time to abandon from around their ankles. The dog was in disarray, (probably because I was screaming, "No pottying in the house! Bad boy! NO POTTYING IN THE HOUSE!") which led him to commit yet another crime of insanity. He went right into the bedroom where the girls were scurrying and did the deed. Yes, what you're thinking is correct. He pooped on the floor, thus scaring my children for life. Apparently, because of my laser-like focus on the girls all morning, I had forgotten to take the dog outside...argggggghhhhh.
So, for the rest of the day and those thereafter, the girls decided going on the potty was risky business. Laiten, who's been using the potty off and on since she was 18 months old, decided she was more content going in her pull-up. No harm, no foul. Maisen begged for a diaper ("I'm a baby, mommy, I don't care! Give me a diaperrrrr!") and decided the reward of a Dora sticker was no longer worth the valiant effort.
So, we took a week off while they went to Gigi and Pappy's in Atlanta, and started again yesterday with a new strategy. One's and two's in the potty get M&Ms. Simple and straightforward - if you pee or poo in the potty, you get an M&M. (Oh, and the dog goes in the crate for all potty breaks.) This ludicrous strategy has been met with only three human accidents (one accident was a "I can't get my shorts off fast enough" accident, so I probably shouldn't count that one) and zero doggy accidents all day. Of course, the downside is that Laiten is now doing all but walking across hot coals for an M&M, ripping her pull-up off at any opportunity to try and score one. And sweet Maisen, well...she's going to require a higher bounty. M&Ms are still not enough to will her to the potty. (I think she may be high-maintenance, although I'm not sure where she got that from.)
At this rate, I'll need to move to mini M&Ms by tomorrow to avoid pre-diabetes at two years old for Laiten, and stock up on extra fluoride toothpaste. I think I'll also run by the ATM to get a couple of 20 dollar bills...that may be more Maisen's speed.
Help a sister out. What are your tried and true potty pointers???
Here's a little snippet of my first whack at L&Ms "potty boot camp" from a few weeks ago:
- Woke up and put on big girl panties. Total score. L&M love Dora and Minnie, and wearing them on their bootie is apparently, totally boss. Throw in a teaser of the Dora stickers that can be earned for one's and two's in the potty, and we're full speed ahead. They're excited, I'm excited...you get it.
- Set my iPhone timer to go off every 15 minutes. This is when I planned to lead everyone to the potty like a drum major in the marching band. You laugh, but it's not easy to corral two kids into the bathroom when they'd rather [insert random activity here, i.e. ride the dog, color on the walls, eat popcorn from in between the couch cushions.] And plus, they love playing Marching Chiefs, so what the heck.
- Reminded myself of the only rule I'm following, which is to never take my eyeballs off of two said potty trainers. This is what the proclaimed "Potty Training Queen" says in her book 3 Day Potty Training. I'm not following the book exactly (at least, not yet) but I did take away some tips that sounded useful...and this seemed like a solid Golden Rule.
- Spent the next 15 minutes exhausting myself by asking potty trainers on repeat, "Are your panties dry? Do you need to potty?" And by the grace of God, L&M stayed dry for the first 15 minutes. I literally broke into a victory dance in the living room, getting the girls on the bandwagon of celebrating being dry. In fact, we may have even burst into a round of the Hallelujah Chorus. (In hindsight, this is probably where Satin himself heard my boisterous exclamations and decided to cancel the rest of his appointments for the day to intervene.)
- iPhone alarm rings for our first true test - the 15 minute potty break. L&M sat on the potty and I crouched on their potty stool, and we all stared at each other, waiting for the first tinkle. Then, in a random occurrence from hell, our dog scuttles in, gives us all a glance, and pees all over the bathroom floor. Apparently, he was feeling left out of the potty pomp and circumstance, and wanted to remind me that he's a big man on campus, too. @#$%&*!
- This is where I basically lose all known control of the situation. The girls panic and run out of the bathroom, and I make a dive for the kitchen to swipe some paper towels. At this moment (and it literally happened in a split second), everything has officially gone southbound. I had broken the Bishop of Potty's cardinal rule (thou shalt never taketh eyeballs of potty trainers), and I may as well stepped on a live grenade.
- In the time I was gone to the kitchen, both potty trainers evacuated the bathroom to the bedroom where they both peed on the carpet, and of course, all over their shorts, which they didn't have time to abandon from around their ankles. The dog was in disarray, (probably because I was screaming, "No pottying in the house! Bad boy! NO POTTYING IN THE HOUSE!") which led him to commit yet another crime of insanity. He went right into the bedroom where the girls were scurrying and did the deed. Yes, what you're thinking is correct. He pooped on the floor, thus scaring my children for life. Apparently, because of my laser-like focus on the girls all morning, I had forgotten to take the dog outside...argggggghhhhh.
So, for the rest of the day and those thereafter, the girls decided going on the potty was risky business. Laiten, who's been using the potty off and on since she was 18 months old, decided she was more content going in her pull-up. No harm, no foul. Maisen begged for a diaper ("I'm a baby, mommy, I don't care! Give me a diaperrrrr!") and decided the reward of a Dora sticker was no longer worth the valiant effort.
So, we took a week off while they went to Gigi and Pappy's in Atlanta, and started again yesterday with a new strategy. One's and two's in the potty get M&Ms. Simple and straightforward - if you pee or poo in the potty, you get an M&M. (Oh, and the dog goes in the crate for all potty breaks.) This ludicrous strategy has been met with only three human accidents (one accident was a "I can't get my shorts off fast enough" accident, so I probably shouldn't count that one) and zero doggy accidents all day. Of course, the downside is that Laiten is now doing all but walking across hot coals for an M&M, ripping her pull-up off at any opportunity to try and score one. And sweet Maisen, well...she's going to require a higher bounty. M&Ms are still not enough to will her to the potty. (I think she may be high-maintenance, although I'm not sure where she got that from.)
At this rate, I'll need to move to mini M&Ms by tomorrow to avoid pre-diabetes at two years old for Laiten, and stock up on extra fluoride toothpaste. I think I'll also run by the ATM to get a couple of 20 dollar bills...that may be more Maisen's speed.
Help a sister out. What are your tried and true potty pointers???
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